Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Setbacks... Anger Edition 2

But the subtitle of the film is, "You Can (Not) Advance." You can try to aim for a better life. You can destroy yourself putting yourself out there for people you're supposed to love and are supposed to love you back. You can open up to other people, do nice things for them, strive to improve. But in the end, this film is not about happy endings, it's about setbacks. Violent, horrible, rage-inducing setbacks. They are terrifying, they are raw, and they are devastating.-- Justin Sevakis, Nov 24th 2009

This is a review from Evangleion Rebuild 2.0. For those who know me you may also know that I do like to watch anime. It's a point of relaxation for me and also a way for me to think about other things aside from what may be going on around me. This one in particular is one of my favorites.

Setback, I suffered one last night that will probably change the course of my service here. It hurt, it frustrated, and for the first time I had the closest thing to what I wanted to call anger. But... I couldn't show it. I didn't know how... It didn't hit me that that was the case until this morning. I don't know how to show my anger. Hell, I barely know how to recognize it as such.

I started to think this morning on how I had shown anger in the past. I cried about a lot when I was a child, until one day, I just stopped crying. I rarely cry at funerals now, and when I do, I let out a lot. I guess when it came to getting angry the thought occurred as to what will it change. There was a time when I would yell and fuss because others were yelling and fussing at me and I just wanted my end of the conversation to be heard. I was told I had anger issues, and anger management issues, and they did not listen to me, let alone change; so I started to think, what's the point? Why even let myself get that way? Why even discuss it.

People are sensitive, as much as they say that they aren't, they are... People don't like to be told that they are wrong about anything, they don't like to apologize, and they definitely don't like to change things that are comfortable to them for the sake of others. So, I started doing the things that people didn't like to do...

Come to think about it, nothing will change after reading this blog, so why am I still writing?

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Goodbyes and Q & A

     So first off I would like to take some time to bid Farewell to my good friend Moises (not the Program Manager). He passed yesterday of complications with undetected cancer. I don't really think the gravity of it has really sunk in yet, just because I'm used to seeing him at least once a month with a bag of peppers. We'd exchange them monthly and joke about how hot they were. Come to think of it, he was one of the first Nicaraguans I met when I got here. I remember trying to get baseball games going with the kids in the plaza and he'd come over and help me round them up and we'd put on a make-shift game with tree stumps as bases. I know service is only a short time in a person's life and sometimes you do look back and say "I should've visited more" or "I should've tried harder to get the kids to learn baseball", but when the sun goes down and you pray for that next day, you can't go back, you can only look forward. So here's to you Moises!!! I thank you for your hospitality, your spirit on the concha, and also the peppers!!!

     I was given some questions for this week by Jessica and I will answer them now.
1) What does it feel like to be a parent via relationship?

Well, like everything it has it's ups and downs. I remember when Geneva wouldn't look at me, and now she sends me letters. Though I can't necessarily say that I am in Love with children at thing point in my life, I can say that they are a blessing no matter if they are not yours. I Love Geneva, and she is definitely an added bonus to our relationship.

2) How does one deal with trying to enlighten others?
I don't... Not outright anyway. It's like giving Geneva medicine. Every child that I know hates the taste of medicine, but it is necessary. So one has to feed it to people in a way that is flavorful for them. We use orange juice!!! There is a proverb that applies here also, "When speaking, make your words sweet, because you may have to eat them later".

3)  Why did OK State. Feel like home?     

I had a wonderful time at Oklahoma State. It had been a while since I could say that I have had a group of friends that spanned almost the whole world. I mean race mattered and all, but it didn't inside the SIS (School of International Studies), people wanted to get to know you on an intellectual level; and they held you accountable on that same level, not only as peers, but as friends. Not to say that times weren't hard, they were, I was working two jobs, and taking classes at the time, but it was well worth it.

Well, that is it for this week, maybe if I'm in the mood I'll finish up on the other one I have sitting in the pocket. Any questions, shoot me an email, or message me on facebook.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Anger Edition

    So Monday I put up a post on Facebook, Gmail, and Google Buzz that I was taking suggestions for a post for this week. In 6 days I got one response and it was from Anna Baker, a PCV here in Costa Rica; so Anna thank you and here it is... The Anger Edition.

    It was kinda funny to be asked about Anger. I remember in my chat with Anna when she suggested it and that I said I didn't get angry. I can think of a lot of words to describe how I may feel, irritation, frustration, annoyance, but rarely do I ever use the word angry. Maybe my thinking was that if I don't give it a name then it doesn't exist, or if I don't recognize it then it isn't there; but it is there, locked deep within me, and it's something that I usually don't let get out.

     I think that I am a pretty even keeled type of guy, and even things that should get me upset and anger me are usually turned into jokes for other to laugh at, making jokes of serious situations is a strong suit of mines. Not sure where it really stems from though. I could say that Black men need to not be angry because society makes examples out of them, and labels them as such, but I'd probably be blowing half truths out of something other than my mouth.

     Though, come to think of it, even in my anger I have fought to keep a clear mind. Especially in choosing my words. Most know that when one is upset words and actions are usually a lot harsher than they would be when they are of sound and sober judgement. People tend to "Speak their minds" when they are upset, and I do encourage people to do so, though you will be hard pressed to get the same from me, or even to know when I am upset for that matter. Does it have it's consequence? Yeah, but doesn't everything in life?

     I guess the real danger is the internalizing of everything, from the angry words of others, to their dashed hopes and dreams. Some may say that I'm not being my real self in this instance, but ask yourself this, if I were my real self, would you be your real self around me? You may say yes as a knee jerk reaction to want me to be more open, but let's face it, the truth is no, you wouldn't and I am fine with that. Live a little, get to know me, and then you'll understand...

Sunday, May 15, 2011

I Have Fallen Out of Love...

     Seriously, I have. And what's worst is that I am really indifferent about it. I'd rather just sit here and listen to music (right now btw, it's the Rumors album by Fleetwood Mac) and do nothing. I just don't have it in me to fight about it right now. I don't have the strength to lift a finger and make the first step back, and I am uninspired to do so. Just typing about it is really a stretch for me, and this is painful in itself.
     Of course I just skipped "Don't Stop" and went straight to "Go Your Own Way", because I don't want an inspirational, "Tomorrow's Going to be Better than Today" song; I can't tolerate it right now. I should have known something was up when my Mother talked about you to me. It still brings a little bit of shame to even think about it now.
     Let's just get it all out in the open. I don't like you right now, and I damn sure don't Love you anymore. You've been around me for most of my life and it's always been about you! What you need, how much time we spend together, and then you get around the people I Love and act a fool. I feel like every time you've done this you are giving me an ultimatum... Either be with them or be with me. You draw me in time and again by saying I can trust you with my true feelings, but then you betray me.
     What happened to us? We used to be inseparable. Wherever I was you were there too, my closest confidant, my sheath, my hideaway. I just don't feel comfortable with you anymore. So, I am leaving you. I may keep all of the reminders of you around me for a while until I have used them all up, but from now on I don't want anything to do with you as far as my feelings are concerned.
      I see how reminders of you look at me from the foot of my bed. How my shelves are stacked with reminders of you; but this is it... Pen and Paper, I have fallen out of Love with you...