Hey anxiety, forgot you were there!

Sooooo, I'm learning something sitting here at this salsa night. I've lost something. I'm not sure if it's a love for dancing or what, but I'm filled with anxiety right now to dance in a group of people. It's a total loss of confidence. Like I met my wife by asking her to dance salsa and now I'm having the worst time just getting out there when she's not here. I mean I see people, they're dancing, they're having a good time, the band is going strong, and I'm just here.
What's wrong with me???
Like it doesn't bring me joy anymore, it just goes to show me something I'm not good at. I mean I've enrolled in class, starting soon, but this right here, right now is terrifying.
And I'm upset with myself for feeling this way...

Friday musings

So, I spend a lot of time in my head, as those who know me know. It’s been a while since I’ve just let a little bit of it out on paper. I work hard not to do it because I have seen how powerful my words can be. I have seen how destructive my words can be as well.

As I have leveled up, I have also seen how my words can invoke inspection, usually in myself, but also in those who may be hurt initially by what I say. Folks usually understand that there may be some truth in my words as well. It’s not about me being right or wrong, but just me being a little more comfortable saying things and not fearing the reaction of others. That may be why I keep a lot in my head. I guess I’m like Erykah Badu in that regard because I’m sensitive about my shit, that I don’t like being misunderstood.

I  mean, I get it, I’m 33 now, and I ‘m supposed to be responsible enough to take others feelings into consideration, though, it feels like at times, I’m the only one who does that. Thinking about myself is already difficult and has led to a lot of moments of inactivity while waiting on others to fulfill whatever it is that they are doing. It’s like I’ve been victim to the trophy syndrome with a lot of people to the point where I started to believe it for my life. Honestly, I hate it. Oddly enough, I’m in a point in my life where there are decisions and things that are solely based on the input of others now. I’ve become impatient about a lot of it, I’ve learned.

So, what do you do? I’ve been a person that has based a lot of his happiness on the happiness of others, which has left me empty on a lot of occasions. You learn that you can’t make everyone happy, nor should that be a want. I’ve spent so much time being concerned with what others want that I have, until recently, neglected myself.

Now, I’m not going to make any promises to treat myself better, because me saying it would only give myself the expectation for failure. I won’t make any sweeping resolutions. I just have this knowledge and I have to find a way to break this habit with the knowledge that I have.

Hindsight and Apologies

While in Sunday school for newlyweds the crazy cycle came up. I’ll try to explain.

If the husband does not love the wife, the wife does not respect the husband, which in turn causes him to withhold his love from her, and thus repeats that cycle. Now, you can interchange respect for love in each instance so to get a better picture, but it got me to thinking about the word respect as its meaning has grown and evolved in my own life.

The Merriam Webster online edition gives a simple definition of respect as follows:

respect

noun re·spect \ri-ˈspekt\

Simple Definition of respect

: a feeling of admiring someone or something that is good, valuable, important, etc.: a feeling or understanding that someone or something is important, serious, etc., and should be treated in an appropriate way: a particular way of thinking about or looking at something

You may be wondering why this is important, or why I’m using this as a topic. For those that are wondering what happened to me during the 3 year gap (sounds like something out of an anime or comic book), and the relationships that may have taken place during that time, here’s the long and short for a segment of that time. I was dating someone, and we had been friends for a really long time. Like literally, she was one of my oldest and dearest friends. Things happened and the mutual respect that buoyed our friendship corroded. I am responsible for a lot of it. I still struggle with personal boundaries and just saying no when it comes to significant others. I don’t really say what is bothering me until I am either pressed on all sides to do so, or I’ve passed that tipping point. I voiced a need for the relationship, and it was not respected, but instead of leaving, I chose to stay and continue with the lack of respect. I even joined in on it, and enjoyed it, but it was wearing on me. It wore on me, and I allowed it to. I made the choice to stay in that situation, sometimes I even begged to be in that situation. We loved each other, but in the end, we did not respect each other, and one cannot thrive without being watered by the other.

I was toxic for her, and I am sorry for that. I was petty, I was faultfinding, and was just a bad person to a lot of people that I loved during that time. I apologize for my behavior.

This will be a page for personal catharsis at times. I have burned some bridges and made enemies in my time. I will make more, because, well, life, but I can’t allow my past to keep me from my presence in the present or my future. To those that I have hurt, I am sorry. To those whom I’ve willingly wronged, I apologize. For those that hold on to the me I was then, I understand, because sometimes I do the same thing.

 

4 years eh???

Yeah, I know, it's been a while... A lot has happened, which I'll get into in later posts. I'm learning how to do all of this from my phone role listening to Scenario while at a coffee shop downtown.
Maybe a reintroduction is necessary, my name is Billy Worthy Jr. I'm 33 now and married. A lot has happened, but I'm still here, which is a good thing. I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out, so sorry if some of my posts are filled with the frustration of a wanderer. I'm close though, I swear I am!
So I guess, since I'm back, let me know what you would like for me to discuss. What would you like for me to spend my time doing on this page? I'll probably be a lot more active since I can do this from my phone, so hopefully I'll be able to engage a little more as well.

Take care, peace and blessings!