Hey anxiety, forgot you were there!

Sooooo, I'm learning something sitting here at this salsa night. I've lost something. I'm not sure if it's a love for dancing or what, but I'm filled with anxiety right now to dance in a group of people. It's a total loss of confidence. Like I met my wife by asking her to dance salsa and now I'm having the worst time just getting out there when she's not here. I mean I see people, they're dancing, they're having a good time, the band is going strong, and I'm just here.
What's wrong with me???
Like it doesn't bring me joy anymore, it just goes to show me something I'm not good at. I mean I've enrolled in class, starting soon, but this right here, right now is terrifying.
And I'm upset with myself for feeling this way...

Friday musings

So, I spend a lot of time in my head, as those who know me know. It’s been a while since I’ve just let a little bit of it out on paper. I work hard not to do it because I have seen how powerful my words can be. I have seen how destructive my words can be as well.

As I have leveled up, I have also seen how my words can invoke inspection, usually in myself, but also in those who may be hurt initially by what I say. Folks usually understand that there may be some truth in my words as well. It’s not about me being right or wrong, but just me being a little more comfortable saying things and not fearing the reaction of others. That may be why I keep a lot in my head. I guess I’m like Erykah Badu in that regard because I’m sensitive about my shit, that I don’t like being misunderstood.

I  mean, I get it, I’m 33 now, and I ‘m supposed to be responsible enough to take others feelings into consideration, though, it feels like at times, I’m the only one who does that. Thinking about myself is already difficult and has led to a lot of moments of inactivity while waiting on others to fulfill whatever it is that they are doing. It’s like I’ve been victim to the trophy syndrome with a lot of people to the point where I started to believe it for my life. Honestly, I hate it. Oddly enough, I’m in a point in my life where there are decisions and things that are solely based on the input of others now. I’ve become impatient about a lot of it, I’ve learned.

So, what do you do? I’ve been a person that has based a lot of his happiness on the happiness of others, which has left me empty on a lot of occasions. You learn that you can’t make everyone happy, nor should that be a want. I’ve spent so much time being concerned with what others want that I have, until recently, neglected myself.

Now, I’m not going to make any promises to treat myself better, because me saying it would only give myself the expectation for failure. I won’t make any sweeping resolutions. I just have this knowledge and I have to find a way to break this habit with the knowledge that I have.