Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I understand that there is a lot that has gone on and a lot of explaining to do, I get that, but I really need to focus on the here and now. The question is: how do you tell someone you Love them and you are excited to come back and see them when that person is in the space where you were before you left? Maybe that's an unfair questions to ask, but how do you not let everything that is that space and the reason why you hate that space overshadow the Love that you have for that person? Yes, ideally Love should outweigh whatever negativity comes from that place, but what about being happy in more than just that facet of life? Being here helped me to understand that not only is that possible, but it is so needed.
I used to base my happiness on the happiness of others, what I could do for them, how I could help them, and how my life improved theirs. Arrogant, I know, and it fed into a deadly Hero complex for me. Not saying that I have completely conquered this part of me, but it is part of my base self, and as a part of that, if left unchecked, will injure no one... But myself... And it has done that more than I can imagine, from denying myself the things that made me happy for others comfort, to putting me in situations where I believed I was saving people, but was of no use because I was in the same predicament, if not worse, than they were. It's a complete delusion, and one that makes me question the very core of who I am; as well as what I have allowed myself to become.
Not to say that the people that I Love changes, and that me not encouraging them to do better changes either, but there's always a way to go about doing things (as my Mum would always say). The place where they are is not where I want to be though. Atlanta is a nice place, don't get me wrong, but it is not for me, at least not right now in my life. This may be the reason why I have not allowed myself more than 9 months within her limits since I was 17. The thought of being home gives me stress and drains me, even though the people that I Love live there and I want to see them, but I can't say that I want to be there for long periods of time.
You sacrifice for those you Love though right? Some people have never seen me happy at home, and to be honest, I really can't think of too many times when I have been. I know this post may offend some people and that is fine, but it doesn't change how I feel, and the fact remains that I will be going back to a place that was an unhappy place for me in the past. The things that made me happy or provided me an escape are gone, either destroyed or closed, but the people remain, and it would not be fair to them to not try to enjoy their company and not be in a rush to get out on the next thing that comes. I don't know how long this will hold up or last, but I am willing to try.
I will need space though, and time to readjust, and then to adjust. If we are all sum totals of our past experiences than there is a part of me that should feel this way, and it does, that does not mean that I should not allow for the acknowledgement of change, and learn to understand and even celebrate that change. I would only want the same for myself (though I know for most it may not happen) and to be acknowledged for who I am now and not for who I was before I left. I will try my best to give that same respect to the city that bred me, though for me it is a place of deep rooted anguish and frustration.
Monday, June 27, 2011
This post is about Diminishing Relevance. I know my post in the pocket last year was more rant than actual subject matter, so I'll make my personal thoughts on it brief. Volunteers to some degree have to deal with the lowering level of relevance when it comes to friends and family that are not with them. A lot of people say "Out of sight, out of mind" and it is true. Keeping up a long distance relationship seems to be harder though we are more technologically advanced than we were 10 or 20 years ago. I know I got internet in my cabina for the sake of talking to people more in the States, and so far it seems like I've talked to people less. Is that to say that they have forgotten about me, naw, it just means that they are busy with their own lives. I also had to come to the realization that their world doesn't stop just because I call, and it's one of the many painful realizations I've come to in my time here.
The other side of this whole relevance thing is that the things that I used to put value in, I don't. I may be getting a little older also, so some of this may be my age talking (I'll be 29 in September); but I feel like I am falling away from my race. I mean even growing up I was either ahead of my time or on another planet, which probably kept me out of trouble, but the point is that I don't feel like I relate to black people anym... Correction, I am still learning what my relation is to my race. Maybe I'm part of a subsection of the race, or a niche group, but I don't, and have not since childhood, feel like I belong. Hell, even people here don't recognize me as black (check the past blogs)!!! I go home and I find that things that are of importance to friends and family aren't even relevant to me (or maybe they never were), but relationships are like theme parks and you do have to pay a certain price to make them enjoyable... Wait, that may have sounded offensive...
Finally, people want to feel like they belong, no matter how much they say they don't. Why do you think Facebook is so popular and I am writing this blog right now? Everyone wants to feel as if they are relevant to some degree, like their life matters or has mattered. Would it be better than the alternative of not mattering to anyone at all? At the end of writing this, I don't have any solutions, I may even have more questions, but I do know one thing. Sometimes a little absence (and also absinthe) aren't necessarily bad things.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
This is a review from Evangleion Rebuild 2.0. For those who know me you may also know that I do like to watch anime. It's a point of relaxation for me and also a way for me to think about other things aside from what may be going on around me. This one in particular is one of my favorites.
Setback, I suffered one last night that will probably change the course of my service here. It hurt, it frustrated, and for the first time I had the closest thing to what I wanted to call anger. But... I couldn't show it. I didn't know how... It didn't hit me that that was the case until this morning. I don't know how to show my anger. Hell, I barely know how to recognize it as such.
I started to think this morning on how I had shown anger in the past. I cried about a lot when I was a child, until one day, I just stopped crying. I rarely cry at funerals now, and when I do, I let out a lot. I guess when it came to getting angry the thought occurred as to what will it change. There was a time when I would yell and fuss because others were yelling and fussing at me and I just wanted my end of the conversation to be heard. I was told I had anger issues, and anger management issues, and they did not listen to me, let alone change; so I started to think, what's the point? Why even let myself get that way? Why even discuss it.
People are sensitive, as much as they say that they aren't, they are... People don't like to be told that they are wrong about anything, they don't like to apologize, and they definitely don't like to change things that are comfortable to them for the sake of others. So, I started doing the things that people didn't like to do...
Come to think about it, nothing will change after reading this blog, so why am I still writing?
Sunday, May 29, 2011
I was given some questions for this week by Jessica and I will answer them now.
1) What does it feel like to be a parent via relationship?
Well, like everything it has it's ups and downs. I remember when Geneva wouldn't look at me, and now she sends me letters. Though I can't necessarily say that I am in Love with children at thing point in my life, I can say that they are a blessing no matter if they are not yours. I Love Geneva, and she is definitely an added bonus to our relationship.
2) How does one deal with trying to enlighten others?
I don't... Not outright anyway. It's like giving Geneva medicine. Every child that I know hates the taste of medicine, but it is necessary. So one has to feed it to people in a way that is flavorful for them. We use orange juice!!! There is a proverb that applies here also, "When speaking, make your words sweet, because you may have to eat them later".
3) Why did OK State. Feel like home?
I had a wonderful time at Oklahoma State. It had been a while since I could say that I have had a group of friends that spanned almost the whole world. I mean race mattered and all, but it didn't inside the SIS (School of International Studies), people wanted to get to know you on an intellectual level; and they held you accountable on that same level, not only as peers, but as friends. Not to say that times weren't hard, they were, I was working two jobs, and taking classes at the time, but it was well worth it.
Well, that is it for this week, maybe if I'm in the mood I'll finish up on the other one I have sitting in the pocket. Any questions, shoot me an email, or message me on facebook.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
It was kinda funny to be asked about Anger. I remember in my chat with Anna when she suggested it and that I said I didn't get angry. I can think of a lot of words to describe how I may feel, irritation, frustration, annoyance, but rarely do I ever use the word angry. Maybe my thinking was that if I don't give it a name then it doesn't exist, or if I don't recognize it then it isn't there; but it is there, locked deep within me, and it's something that I usually don't let get out.
I think that I am a pretty even keeled type of guy, and even things that should get me upset and anger me are usually turned into jokes for other to laugh at, making jokes of serious situations is a strong suit of mines. Not sure where it really stems from though. I could say that Black men need to not be angry because society makes examples out of them, and labels them as such, but I'd probably be blowing half truths out of something other than my mouth.
Though, come to think of it, even in my anger I have fought to keep a clear mind. Especially in choosing my words. Most know that when one is upset words and actions are usually a lot harsher than they would be when they are of sound and sober judgement. People tend to "Speak their minds" when they are upset, and I do encourage people to do so, though you will be hard pressed to get the same from me, or even to know when I am upset for that matter. Does it have it's consequence? Yeah, but doesn't everything in life?
I guess the real danger is the internalizing of everything, from the angry words of others, to their dashed hopes and dreams. Some may say that I'm not being my real self in this instance, but ask yourself this, if I were my real self, would you be your real self around me? You may say yes as a knee jerk reaction to want me to be more open, but let's face it, the truth is no, you wouldn't and I am fine with that. Live a little, get to know me, and then you'll understand...
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Of course I just skipped "Don't Stop" and went straight to "Go Your Own Way", because I don't want an inspirational, "Tomorrow's Going to be Better than Today" song; I can't tolerate it right now. I should have known something was up when my Mother talked about you to me. It still brings a little bit of shame to even think about it now.
Let's just get it all out in the open. I don't like you right now, and I damn sure don't Love you anymore. You've been around me for most of my life and it's always been about you! What you need, how much time we spend together, and then you get around the people I Love and act a fool. I feel like every time you've done this you are giving me an ultimatum... Either be with them or be with me. You draw me in time and again by saying I can trust you with my true feelings, but then you betray me.
What happened to us? We used to be inseparable. Wherever I was you were there too, my closest confidant, my sheath, my hideaway. I just don't feel comfortable with you anymore. So, I am leaving you. I may keep all of the reminders of you around me for a while until I have used them all up, but from now on I don't want anything to do with you as far as my feelings are concerned.
I see how reminders of you look at me from the foot of my bed. How my shelves are stacked with reminders of you; but this is it... Pen and Paper, I have fallen out of Love with you...
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Today as many know in the United States is a day of many things. For some it is a day of sadness, for others a day of soul searching and thoughtful dialogue. I still remember coming out of Literature class during my sophomore year at WSSU and looking at the TV in amazement. I remember the words of Dr. Shaw (Political Science Professor at WSSU) discussing how he hoped that people would not rush into hateful deeds because of what has just happened. I remember trying to call people to make sure that they were alright.
It’s so strange how things take on a different meaning once one lives in another country during days of importance in the US. Fourth of July was nothing spectacular for me, I didn’t leave my site, and ended watching Independence Day (ironic, I know) in Spanish with one of my host brothers. 9/11 though, is a different story. It is one where people know what happened, but don’t necessarily understand why it happened. This leads to speculation of all sorts, and of course people at my site are no strangers to making their own up. Some believe me to be a spy here for some malevolent government agency, as to which I tell them that I am just a volunteer, and then ask as to what reason I would have to be one in Costa Rica. The question has come up from children and adults alike as to my thoughts on what happened, and also the “Pastor” who wanted to burn the Quran.
I tell them that it is a sad day, and a day that I will never forget. I tell them also that there are bad people in every place in the world just like there are good people. I let them know that instead of hating that I try to understand. I don’t speculate on things that I know nothing about, especially when it comes to US policy. I just tell them that I have friends from all walks of life, all religions, and all races; and that they all represent the United States. I encourage them to get to know someone outside of their regular pattern in life and try to understand them. They have been really understanding of me in the regard of this day, though I have not asked for much. I do think that, even though there are parties and rodeos going on tonight, it’s going to be a quiet evening for me. I strive to be more like the God that I serve, though often times falling like 1000 miles short.I think I will leave on a quote from “My Type” from the album TI vs. TIP-“Life ain’t always and dream and horrible sh*t happens”. Today is truly the remembrance of a horrible day in global history, but with the darkness comes the light, and hopefully one day people can sit down and try to discuss such events with people of other cultures so that such events don’t