Stuff...-Honestly I'm surprised this page still exists

I’ll be honest, I don’t know when I’m coming back. I’m ok with that. There’s a lot that needs to be taken care of, both with me and those close to me. I’m not going to go into any real detail, but I just need a break. I kinda realized that I’ve been going hard on Social media for maybe a year or more. I mean there have been down times, but not a real break away from the rancor.

Ethan and I had a great talk about the strength of being able to adapt, and I think the downfall of that is that you never really unpack. That, and you just learn how to pack lighter each time you move. It’s strange, in the physical you accumulate stuff, right? You buy a chair here, a new shirt there, and over time you have a lot of stuff. That doesn’t make anyone a bad person. There have been certain points in life where I’ve had an accumulation of things, and they’ve been purged, the methods of the purging differ, but it goes back to just realizing there’s an accumulation of stuff and now understanding that I’m not taking things to the next place.

My wife said something to me when we evacuated from Islamorada before Irma to Atlanta last year. She told me that I packed my emotions up, put them in the car with our stuff, and never unpacked (paraphrased, not verbatim.). That still sticks with me. Growing up is a constant, it can’t be avoided. I think the older I’ve become, the more I’ve accumulated mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I think that’s just life, honestly. It moves, it flows, and you have to flow with it and you pick things up along the way that help in that time. Some things you keep, other things you have to learn how to unpack, and still other things need to be discarded in order to move forward. I’m thankful to have some time to unpack and really get to the brass tacks of some things. Not that anyone accept a few actually may need an explanation for this time away (“those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”), but there’s a lot of stuff I can’t take with me.

How easy would it be to just “Thanos Snap” emotions and feelings and the things that you take with you from the places you’ve been?

Hey anxiety, forgot you were there!

Sooooo, I'm learning something sitting here at this salsa night. I've lost something. I'm not sure if it's a love for dancing or what, but I'm filled with anxiety right now to dance in a group of people. It's a total loss of confidence. Like I met my wife by asking her to dance salsa and now I'm having the worst time just getting out there when she's not here. I mean I see people, they're dancing, they're having a good time, the band is going strong, and I'm just here.
What's wrong with me???
Like it doesn't bring me joy anymore, it just goes to show me something I'm not good at. I mean I've enrolled in class, starting soon, but this right here, right now is terrifying.
And I'm upset with myself for feeling this way...

Friday musings

So, I spend a lot of time in my head, as those who know me know. It’s been a while since I’ve just let a little bit of it out on paper. I work hard not to do it because I have seen how powerful my words can be. I have seen how destructive my words can be as well.

As I have leveled up, I have also seen how my words can invoke inspection, usually in myself, but also in those who may be hurt initially by what I say. Folks usually understand that there may be some truth in my words as well. It’s not about me being right or wrong, but just me being a little more comfortable saying things and not fearing the reaction of others. That may be why I keep a lot in my head. I guess I’m like Erykah Badu in that regard because I’m sensitive about my shit, that I don’t like being misunderstood.

I  mean, I get it, I’m 33 now, and I ‘m supposed to be responsible enough to take others feelings into consideration, though, it feels like at times, I’m the only one who does that. Thinking about myself is already difficult and has led to a lot of moments of inactivity while waiting on others to fulfill whatever it is that they are doing. It’s like I’ve been victim to the trophy syndrome with a lot of people to the point where I started to believe it for my life. Honestly, I hate it. Oddly enough, I’m in a point in my life where there are decisions and things that are solely based on the input of others now. I’ve become impatient about a lot of it, I’ve learned.

So, what do you do? I’ve been a person that has based a lot of his happiness on the happiness of others, which has left me empty on a lot of occasions. You learn that you can’t make everyone happy, nor should that be a want. I’ve spent so much time being concerned with what others want that I have, until recently, neglected myself.

Now, I’m not going to make any promises to treat myself better, because me saying it would only give myself the expectation for failure. I won’t make any sweeping resolutions. I just have this knowledge and I have to find a way to break this habit with the knowledge that I have.

Hindsight and Apologies

While in Sunday school for newlyweds the crazy cycle came up. I’ll try to explain.

If the husband does not love the wife, the wife does not respect the husband, which in turn causes him to withhold his love from her, and thus repeats that cycle. Now, you can interchange respect for love in each instance so to get a better picture, but it got me to thinking about the word respect as its meaning has grown and evolved in my own life.

The Merriam Webster online edition gives a simple definition of respect as follows:

respect

noun re·spect \ri-ˈspekt\

Simple Definition of respect

: a feeling of admiring someone or something that is good, valuable, important, etc.: a feeling or understanding that someone or something is important, serious, etc., and should be treated in an appropriate way: a particular way of thinking about or looking at something

You may be wondering why this is important, or why I’m using this as a topic. For those that are wondering what happened to me during the 3 year gap (sounds like something out of an anime or comic book), and the relationships that may have taken place during that time, here’s the long and short for a segment of that time. I was dating someone, and we had been friends for a really long time. Like literally, she was one of my oldest and dearest friends. Things happened and the mutual respect that buoyed our friendship corroded. I am responsible for a lot of it. I still struggle with personal boundaries and just saying no when it comes to significant others. I don’t really say what is bothering me until I am either pressed on all sides to do so, or I’ve passed that tipping point. I voiced a need for the relationship, and it was not respected, but instead of leaving, I chose to stay and continue with the lack of respect. I even joined in on it, and enjoyed it, but it was wearing on me. It wore on me, and I allowed it to. I made the choice to stay in that situation, sometimes I even begged to be in that situation. We loved each other, but in the end, we did not respect each other, and one cannot thrive without being watered by the other.

I was toxic for her, and I am sorry for that. I was petty, I was faultfinding, and was just a bad person to a lot of people that I loved during that time. I apologize for my behavior.

This will be a page for personal catharsis at times. I have burned some bridges and made enemies in my time. I will make more, because, well, life, but I can’t allow my past to keep me from my presence in the present or my future. To those that I have hurt, I am sorry. To those whom I’ve willingly wronged, I apologize. For those that hold on to the me I was then, I understand, because sometimes I do the same thing.

 

4 years eh???

Yeah, I know, it's been a while... A lot has happened, which I'll get into in later posts. I'm learning how to do all of this from my phone role listening to Scenario while at a coffee shop downtown.
Maybe a reintroduction is necessary, my name is Billy Worthy Jr. I'm 33 now and married. A lot has happened, but I'm still here, which is a good thing. I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out, so sorry if some of my posts are filled with the frustration of a wanderer. I'm close though, I swear I am!
So I guess, since I'm back, let me know what you would like for me to discuss. What would you like for me to spend my time doing on this page? I'll probably be a lot more active since I can do this from my phone, so hopefully I'll be able to engage a little more as well.

Take care, peace and blessings!

No Expectations, No Guarantees

I have come to learn a few things over this past year, and the biggest of them are that you can't go into any situation with expectations. I do this way too often, and all too often I fall victim to these expectations. Just like writing this blog, I expect for people to read it and comment on it, and then from there to spark a deep conversation that would hopefully lead to self awareness that may not have been there before.

I kid myself all the time with these things.

Where am I going with this? No idea...

What do I expect out of life? Right now? Less everyday. No action requires an equal but opposite reaction, so why expect for there to be one. I may work my fingers to the bone, but the pay that I may earn may not match the amount of effort put in, and there lies the problem with me.

So how do you change it Billy?

Stop expecting things, we live, we grow old, and we die. That's what to expect, that and taxes, lol, lots of taxes. Just because people (strong emphasis on people) guarantee things doesn't mean that they can fulfill their end of the bargain, or in the case of where I bought my car, want to exactly fulfill their end of the guarantee.

If you are a nice guy, like I was, stop it. You cannot put a relationship or friendship into an equation of money+listening ear+shoulder to cry on=_______________, it doesn't work like that, and it took me getting taken advantage of to see it.

Old habits die hard though, and the expectations have to be slaughtered everyday. Not like clean drugged in your sleep type slaughtered, but literally eviscerated... Or the lessons you learn from your mistakes will be that much worse on your already fragile ego.

So this is my act of Catharsis, for all the world to see. I am not a perfect man, but neither are you. I get upset with myself for thinking I am further ahead than I actually am, because life has a way of showing you that you never really arrive where you think you are, but you always end up where you should be.

We expect attention, that is why we do what we do. That is why we spend countless hours on social media. We are all more accessible than ever before and why do we do it? We expect for someone to see it, to be recognized, to be noticed. People wear black face on Halloween to be noticed, to leave some type of lasting impression with 140 words or less. I too strive for this, I am just as guilty and a hypocrite all the same.

I am ashamed of myself.

The Hard Things to Say

I know it's been forever since last I have written anything, and though I am not really sorry about this, I do apologize. Let's see, Midservice Training, Nicaragua, My birthday, All Volunteer Conference, October 21st (probably the day that started to change everything), Burn, The Aftermath, The Auction, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, Panama, the February of My Discontent, Close of Service Conference and the Adventures in Clinica Biblica (co-starring Nicolas Pedregon and Tony Casillas); that will bring you up to speed.

I understand that there is a lot that has gone on and a lot of explaining to do, I get that, but I really need to focus on the here and now. The question is: how do you tell someone you Love them and you are excited to come back and see them when that person is in the space where you were before you left? Maybe that's an unfair questions to ask, but how do you not let everything that is that space and the reason why you hate that space overshadow the Love that you have for that person? Yes, ideally Love should outweigh whatever negativity comes from that place, but what about being happy in more than just that facet of life? Being here helped me to understand that not only is that possible, but it is so needed.

I used to base my happiness on the happiness of others, what I could do for them, how I could help them, and how my life improved theirs. Arrogant, I know, and it fed into a deadly Hero complex for me. Not saying that I have completely conquered this part of me, but it is part of my base self, and as a part of that, if left unchecked, will injure no one... But myself... And it has done that more than I can imagine, from denying myself the things that made me happy for others comfort, to putting me in situations where I believed I was saving people, but was of no use because I was in the same predicament, if not worse, than they were. It's a complete delusion, and one that makes me question the very core of who I am; as well as what I have allowed myself to become.

Not to say that the people that I Love changes, and that me not encouraging them to do better changes either, but there's always a way to go about doing things (as my Mum would always say). The place where they are is not where I want to be though. Atlanta is a nice place, don't get me wrong, but it is not for me, at least not right now in my life. This may be the reason why I have not allowed myself more than 9 months within her limits since I was 17. The thought of being home gives me stress and drains me, even though the people that I Love live there and I want to see them, but I can't say that I want to be there for long periods of time.

You sacrifice for those you Love though right? Some people have never seen me happy at home, and to be honest, I really can't think of too many times when I have been. I know this post may offend some people and that is fine, but it doesn't change how I feel, and the fact remains that I will be going back to a place that was an unhappy place for me in the past. The things that made me happy or provided me an escape are gone, either destroyed or closed, but the people remain, and it would not be fair to them to not try to enjoy their company and not be in a rush to get out on the next thing that comes. I don't know how long this will hold up or last, but I am willing to try.

I will need space though, and time to readjust, and then to adjust. If we are all sum totals of our past experiences than there is a part of me that should feel this way, and it does, that does not mean that I should not allow for the acknowledgement of change, and learn to understand and even celebrate that change. I would only want the same for myself (though I know for most it may not happen) and to be acknowledged for who I am now and not for who I was before I left. I will try my best to give that same respect to the city that bred me, though for me it is a place of deep rooted anguish and frustration.

Diminishing Relevance

I'm sorry it seems like I took another long break, but I've been busy! We had our Mid Service Training about 3 weeks ago and then I went to Nicaragua (Which was amazing on so many levels!!!) and though I probably could have blogged and kept up with the world a lot better than what I did, I decided not to.

This post is about Diminishing Relevance. I know my post in the pocket last year was more rant than actual subject matter, so I'll make my personal thoughts on it brief. Volunteers to some degree have to deal with the lowering level of relevance when it comes to friends and family that are not with them. A lot of people say "Out of sight, out of mind" and it is true. Keeping up a long distance relationship seems to be harder though we are more technologically advanced than we were 10 or 20 years ago. I know I got internet in my cabina for the sake of talking to people more in the States, and so far it seems like I've talked to people less. Is that to say that they have forgotten about me, naw, it just means that they are busy with their own lives. I also had to come to the realization that their world doesn't stop just because I call, and it's one of the many painful realizations I've come to in my time here.

The other side of this whole relevance thing is that the things that I used to put value in, I don't.  I may be getting a little older also, so some of this may be my age talking (I'll be 29 in September); but I feel like I am falling away from my race. I mean even growing up I was either ahead of my time or on another planet, which probably kept me out of trouble, but the point is that I don't feel like I relate to black people anym... Correction, I am still learning what my relation is to my race. Maybe I'm part of a subsection of the race, or a niche group, but I don't, and have not since childhood, feel like I belong. Hell, even people here don't recognize me as black (check the past blogs)!!! I go home and I find that things that are of importance to friends and family aren't even relevant to me (or maybe they never were), but relationships are like theme parks and you do have to pay a certain price to make them enjoyable... Wait, that may have sounded offensive...

Finally, people want to feel like they belong, no matter how much they say they don't. Why do you think Facebook is so popular and I am writing this blog right now? Everyone wants to feel as if they are relevant to some degree, like their life matters or has mattered. Would it be better than the alternative of not mattering to anyone at all? At the end of writing this, I don't have any solutions, I may even have more questions, but I do know one thing. Sometimes a little absence (and also absinthe) aren't necessarily bad things.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEPV4kolz0

Setbacks... Anger Edition 2

But the subtitle of the film is, "You Can (Not) Advance." You can try to aim for a better life. You can destroy yourself putting yourself out there for people you're supposed to love and are supposed to love you back. You can open up to other people, do nice things for them, strive to improve. But in the end, this film is not about happy endings, it's about setbacks. Violent, horrible, rage-inducing setbacks. They are terrifying, they are raw, and they are devastating.-- Justin Sevakis, Nov 24th 2009

This is a review from Evangleion Rebuild 2.0. For those who know me you may also know that I do like to watch anime. It's a point of relaxation for me and also a way for me to think about other things aside from what may be going on around me. This one in particular is one of my favorites.

Setback, I suffered one last night that will probably change the course of my service here. It hurt, it frustrated, and for the first time I had the closest thing to what I wanted to call anger. But... I couldn't show it. I didn't know how... It didn't hit me that that was the case until this morning. I don't know how to show my anger. Hell, I barely know how to recognize it as such.

I started to think this morning on how I had shown anger in the past. I cried about a lot when I was a child, until one day, I just stopped crying. I rarely cry at funerals now, and when I do, I let out a lot. I guess when it came to getting angry the thought occurred as to what will it change. There was a time when I would yell and fuss because others were yelling and fussing at me and I just wanted my end of the conversation to be heard. I was told I had anger issues, and anger management issues, and they did not listen to me, let alone change; so I started to think, what's the point? Why even let myself get that way? Why even discuss it.

People are sensitive, as much as they say that they aren't, they are... People don't like to be told that they are wrong about anything, they don't like to apologize, and they definitely don't like to change things that are comfortable to them for the sake of others. So, I started doing the things that people didn't like to do...

Come to think about it, nothing will change after reading this blog, so why am I still writing?

Goodbyes and Q & A

     So first off I would like to take some time to bid Farewell to my good friend Moises (not the Program Manager). He passed yesterday of complications with undetected cancer. I don't really think the gravity of it has really sunk in yet, just because I'm used to seeing him at least once a month with a bag of peppers. We'd exchange them monthly and joke about how hot they were. Come to think of it, he was one of the first Nicaraguans I met when I got here. I remember trying to get baseball games going with the kids in the plaza and he'd come over and help me round them up and we'd put on a make-shift game with tree stumps as bases. I know service is only a short time in a person's life and sometimes you do look back and say "I should've visited more" or "I should've tried harder to get the kids to learn baseball", but when the sun goes down and you pray for that next day, you can't go back, you can only look forward. So here's to you Moises!!! I thank you for your hospitality, your spirit on the concha, and also the peppers!!!

     I was given some questions for this week by Jessica and I will answer them now.
1) What does it feel like to be a parent via relationship?

Well, like everything it has it's ups and downs. I remember when Geneva wouldn't look at me, and now she sends me letters. Though I can't necessarily say that I am in Love with children at thing point in my life, I can say that they are a blessing no matter if they are not yours. I Love Geneva, and she is definitely an added bonus to our relationship.

2) How does one deal with trying to enlighten others?
I don't... Not outright anyway. It's like giving Geneva medicine. Every child that I know hates the taste of medicine, but it is necessary. So one has to feed it to people in a way that is flavorful for them. We use orange juice!!! There is a proverb that applies here also, "When speaking, make your words sweet, because you may have to eat them later".

3)  Why did OK State. Feel like home?     

I had a wonderful time at Oklahoma State. It had been a while since I could say that I have had a group of friends that spanned almost the whole world. I mean race mattered and all, but it didn't inside the SIS (School of International Studies), people wanted to get to know you on an intellectual level; and they held you accountable on that same level, not only as peers, but as friends. Not to say that times weren't hard, they were, I was working two jobs, and taking classes at the time, but it was well worth it.

Well, that is it for this week, maybe if I'm in the mood I'll finish up on the other one I have sitting in the pocket. Any questions, shoot me an email, or message me on facebook.

The Anger Edition

    So Monday I put up a post on Facebook, Gmail, and Google Buzz that I was taking suggestions for a post for this week. In 6 days I got one response and it was from Anna Baker, a PCV here in Costa Rica; so Anna thank you and here it is... The Anger Edition.

    It was kinda funny to be asked about Anger. I remember in my chat with Anna when she suggested it and that I said I didn't get angry. I can think of a lot of words to describe how I may feel, irritation, frustration, annoyance, but rarely do I ever use the word angry. Maybe my thinking was that if I don't give it a name then it doesn't exist, or if I don't recognize it then it isn't there; but it is there, locked deep within me, and it's something that I usually don't let get out.

     I think that I am a pretty even keeled type of guy, and even things that should get me upset and anger me are usually turned into jokes for other to laugh at, making jokes of serious situations is a strong suit of mines. Not sure where it really stems from though. I could say that Black men need to not be angry because society makes examples out of them, and labels them as such, but I'd probably be blowing half truths out of something other than my mouth.

     Though, come to think of it, even in my anger I have fought to keep a clear mind. Especially in choosing my words. Most know that when one is upset words and actions are usually a lot harsher than they would be when they are of sound and sober judgement. People tend to "Speak their minds" when they are upset, and I do encourage people to do so, though you will be hard pressed to get the same from me, or even to know when I am upset for that matter. Does it have it's consequence? Yeah, but doesn't everything in life?

     I guess the real danger is the internalizing of everything, from the angry words of others, to their dashed hopes and dreams. Some may say that I'm not being my real self in this instance, but ask yourself this, if I were my real self, would you be your real self around me? You may say yes as a knee jerk reaction to want me to be more open, but let's face it, the truth is no, you wouldn't and I am fine with that. Live a little, get to know me, and then you'll understand...

I Have Fallen Out of Love...

     Seriously, I have. And what's worst is that I am really indifferent about it. I'd rather just sit here and listen to music (right now btw, it's the Rumors album by Fleetwood Mac) and do nothing. I just don't have it in me to fight about it right now. I don't have the strength to lift a finger and make the first step back, and I am uninspired to do so. Just typing about it is really a stretch for me, and this is painful in itself.
     Of course I just skipped "Don't Stop" and went straight to "Go Your Own Way", because I don't want an inspirational, "Tomorrow's Going to be Better than Today" song; I can't tolerate it right now. I should have known something was up when my Mother talked about you to me. It still brings a little bit of shame to even think about it now.
     Let's just get it all out in the open. I don't like you right now, and I damn sure don't Love you anymore. You've been around me for most of my life and it's always been about you! What you need, how much time we spend together, and then you get around the people I Love and act a fool. I feel like every time you've done this you are giving me an ultimatum... Either be with them or be with me. You draw me in time and again by saying I can trust you with my true feelings, but then you betray me.
     What happened to us? We used to be inseparable. Wherever I was you were there too, my closest confidant, my sheath, my hideaway. I just don't feel comfortable with you anymore. So, I am leaving you. I may keep all of the reminders of you around me for a while until I have used them all up, but from now on I don't want anything to do with you as far as my feelings are concerned.
      I see how reminders of you look at me from the foot of my bed. How my shelves are stacked with reminders of you; but this is it... Pen and Paper, I have fallen out of Love with you...

Days of Importance outside of the US

Today as many know in the United States is a day of many things. For some it is a day of sadness, for others a day of soul searching and thoughtful dialogue. I still remember coming out of Literature class during my sophomore year at WSSU and looking at the TV in amazement. I remember the words of Dr. Shaw (Political Science Professor at WSSU) discussing how he hoped that people would not rush into hateful deeds because of what has just happened. I remember trying to call people to make sure that they were alright.

It’s so strange how things take on a different meaning once one lives in another country during days of importance in the US. Fourth of July was nothing spectacular for me, I didn’t leave my site, and ended watching Independence Day (ironic, I know) in Spanish with one of my host brothers. 9/11 though, is a different story. It is one where people know what happened, but don’t necessarily understand why it happened. This leads to speculation of all sorts, and of course people at my site are no strangers to making their own up. Some believe me to be a spy here for some malevolent government agency, as to which I tell them that I am just a volunteer, and then ask as to what reason I would have to be one in Costa Rica. The question has come up from children and adults alike as to my thoughts on what happened, and also the “Pastor” who wanted to burn the Quran.

I tell them that it is a sad day, and a day that I will never forget. I tell them also that there are bad people in every place in the world just like there are good people. I let them know that instead of hating that I try to understand. I don’t speculate on things that I know nothing about, especially when it comes to US policy. I just tell them that I have friends from all walks of life, all religions, and all races; and that they all represent the United States. I encourage them to get to know someone outside of their regular pattern in life and try to understand them. They have been really understanding of me in the regard of this day, though I have not asked for much. I do think that, even though there are parties and rodeos going on tonight, it’s going to be a quiet evening for me. I strive to be more like the God that I serve, though often times falling like 1000 miles short.

I think I will leave on a quote from “My Type” from the album TI vs. TIP-“Life ain’t always and dream and horrible sh*t happens”. Today is truly the remembrance of a horrible day in global history, but with the darkness comes the light, and hopefully one day people can sit down and try to discuss such events with people of other cultures so that such events don’t

Negro/Moreno, what am I here again???

Spanish culture is cool. It’s the only place you can get away with calling a woman “Little fat” (Gordita) to her face and she actually answers and is alright with it. With that being said I have had some really interesting conversations with the people in my community. In Costa Rica there is a very large Afro-Caribbean population and most of it is concentrated in Limon. I haven’t been yet, well, the province of Limon I have, (does Guapiles count?) but to actual Limon Limon, naw not yet. In talking to a teacher yesterday I brought up a conversation that I had with a Tico earlier in the week when he asked me about my nationality in the States. I have never shied away from these conversations for a few reasons that I will discuss a little later on in the blog.

Well the tall and short of the conversation was that I was Moreno and that one of my parents had to have been white. I told him that here I am Moreno, I have no problem with that, but in the States I am considered Negro. A look of shock came on his face. I didn’t get into the details of the past generations with him, but it was definitely something that hung around in my mind. There is one other black person in my community and she is considered Negro because her skin is darker than everyone else. She also can understand why I consider myself to be black. It’s funny what the difference between North and South makes, During my first PCV visit (big shout to Sykes out in Fila Guinea) my first night there we were going to the Pulperia and a little girl looks at me and then runs inside yelling, “Mommy, Mommy, el Negro, el Negro!!!” Needless to say that I was surprised to the point of laughing about it, but it was so funny that here, in my site, people will actually deny the fact that I am black and somewhat encourage me to not associate myself with my race.

In having this conversation with the teacher yesterday he put me on to something called the “Code of the Village”. Where anything that is outside of the village is, at first not even understood, nor do people even try to understand what this new thing is. Then, as people start to feel comfortable, they start to open up to the new thing, not saying that the new thing is part of the community, but just that people are starting to talk to it. The new thing goes through experiences and becomes human to the people in the village. That does not mean that the new thing has fully integrated into the community, it just means that people look at the new thing as human just like them and that the new thing is there for the community. It feels more as a novelty than an actual job sometimes, but I am sure that will change in the coming months.

Now remember the first part, anything outside of the village will not be understood, and this goes for people in other provinces, such as people from Limon. I don’t know many Afro-Caribbean people here yet, but the ones that I do know are some of the hardest working people that I know. They are also some of the nicest people that I have ever met, but while people don’t want to understand, they also want to create images and generalizations of these groups to make them feel better about themselves. This goes for Nicaraguans, Panamanians, and other cultures, that the village may not know anything about.

Just food for thought I guess, but it is funny to try to share a culture with people that is not only American but also African American (Black, Negro, whatever you wanna call it), and not be considered to be the latter of the two. So, I tell people that I am Negro, but I answer to Moreno also… Thanks to Dex Digital and www.mixtapeshow.net episode 117 podcast. Listen to it, definitely something that will make you think, may even change your life…

Changes...And Epiphanies (post in the pocket)

Well I know I said that this was going to be the picture entry, but I don’t feel like taking the time to put pictures up right now, that and the fact that the Escuela as well as most of the town is on vacation, which leaves me on battery power and not external. I was having a conversation with my little sister last night about the whole Lebronolacolypse nonsense that was going on. Maybe this is a sign of my changing when the final for the World Cup is more important than Lebron going to Miami. I’m not knocking anyone who is elated that he is going, just saying that it just doesn’t hold the same importance to me anymore, that’s all.

I’ve had a lot of time to listen to music as of late, but can’t stop listening to track 15 on Paper Trail, and track 18 on T.I. VS T.I.P. I guess I have just reached the point where the cards will fall where they may. No I am not leaving Costa Rica, just taking a step and looking at what used to be important. Maybe because I am on the outside looking in some things have changed. Oh, yeah, can’t forget “Curtain Call” from Little Brother. It’s just that my conversations are starting to change, and certain things just don’t reach me, or maybe I’ve stopped reaching for them. I remember during training I was really trying to find out what was going on during the NCAA championship, granted it was important at the time.

I know Eric is somewhere reading this, shaking his head, and saying, “Damn, it’s starting…”, and Big Kuntry (Kashara!!! What up?!?!) Called it, “That dude status”, but maybe I’ve always been, and will continue to be that dude that just swims against the current. Maybe what I want or think is important just isn’t and I should shut my mouth, turn around and swim with everyone else. Oh well, either way it goes, things are changing like the skies are during the rainy season. Seriously, what are things that you may deem to be just ultra important that if you go a week, or let’s say a month without it wouldn’t seem that important anymore?

I’ll finish this with a thought I had last year during the NCAA tourney (when it was important):

“You know the reason Carolina won? It’s because Michigan State was playing like they were happy to be there, while Carolina was playing like they were supposed to be there…” Now I will expand on said quote, “Just because you have won a championship doesn’t mean you stop with one ring. Keep winning, which means you have to do some things to change the formula for what the game has to offer for each phase of your career, whether it is that you train harder, brush up on fundamentals, switch up your routine or reading materials, or update your vision. Sometimes, players have to recruit to make the team better, but once that star is recruited the player and the team have to work harder to retain that player or star.”

I remember when I wrote this, it was mid July. I was feeling some kind of way that night. It was originally supposed to go out during that time, but looking on it now, my thoughts have changes a little, well a lot. There are things that you do need out here that keep you connected to what is going on at home. Sometimes you do need things that may not be all that relevant to you, but are relevant to those who are at home helping to support what you are doing. I had to realize that just because I am in another country doesn’t mean that I stop liking the Yankees or hating the Braves… That is part of who I am.

This is my favorite time of year for those who know me in the States, and while at In Service Training I had the chance to hang out with friends and watch some preseason American Football. It may not be important to the people here, but it is important to me, and that was my epiphany, so I owe Jessica an apology. She may not have known it but I wasn’t the happiest of campers about the whole Lebacle, and I know she likes the Heat. Am I happy that he’s down there, not really, will it be cool to see another team win the NBA finals other than the Lakers or the Heat, you bet! I stand by my quote earlier, but also realize that this does change the face of the game. Even in Majenga (pick up games) down here, not all of the best players are on the same team because it is a lot more fun for them to try to beat each other, than to try to squash the people who are not that good in one super team.

I know some people are saying, “How can a Yankees fan say something like this when it seems as if your team has ‘bought’ all of their rings?” Let’s get something straight… I think John Kruk said it best after the Series last year “You spend money, you win championships”. That is not to say that Cashman hasn’t gone out of his way to acquire certain players, but let’s look at the core of the club. Jeter, Cano, Riviera, Pettite, and Posada. What do these five men have in common??? They all came out of the Yankees farm system; they are the blue collar men in NY. Look at all of the championship teams of the past 20 years and you will see the farm system presence there anchoring the team and making people around them better; whether it be O’Neil or Broscious. You can even look at the current coach, who is a Yankees product who just came home.

So I will close with this, you can’t buy fine things and put them in a dilapidated house; because they will stick out, you may get robbed, or these things may get lost to another because you can’t hold on to them. First establish the house with things that are original to you and then bring in things to compliment the original pieces.

Long Awaited, and Certainly overdue... The Picture post

This is my site and also the high school and the Salon Comunal. On the other side of that is the Rodeo Stadium. No we don't have paved roads, but that's life in the Campo!












These are Pineapple plants that are part of the plantations that come before my site and these are Banana plants and they are part of the processional of plantations that line the road before I get to my site.



This is the Futbol field at my site on a nice evening...



Just to let everyone know that the beard is gone as of this morning!!!

These are pictures of me and my dog Jet. When I found her she was starving and covered with fleas...

This is the picture of the spider that was waiting for me when I got back to my room from work. Billy-1, Spider-0.

This is Peepa, it is so good to drink and it was so hot that day!!!

This is a pic of me and the kids from Pueblo Nuevo. If you look closely you will see that I am

holding Yuca Root.

I know that it has been a while since I last posted, and that is for a number of reasons, which I will probably talk a little about once the situation has been resolved. Let's just say that I am going through a lot of changes at my site and in my life. I have learned a lot of things about myself and about others and in all things there is definitely a lesson to be learned in it. I am happy where I am with the things that are about to happen in my site and the things that are taking place in my life. I will try to be a lot more regular with this blog now that I have some things behind me and also please tell a friend!!!

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self, so therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility"--Kahlil Gibran

Ironies, Referee’s, and Heat

I am sure there are plenty of blogs out there discussing Michael Jackson today, I do miss his music and his genius, and also the smile that it brings to Geneva’s face when we are anywhere and an MJ song is on! With that being said, I won’t be going in on it today because I’ve already celebrated his life with my host family here by watching like 20 videos last night!!! I can only hope to have such a positive impact on the world!!! Descansa en Paz Michael Jackson…

And now, our feature presentation…

Ironies, Referee’s, and Heat

Ok, so being here really gives me a lot of time to think (as I have mentioned before). There are a few ironies that have run across my mind in my time here. First, and I talked with Jessica about this one a few days ago, I Love Literature. Some of my favorite authors are Chestnutt, Wordsworth, Cullen, Dickenson, and Lee; that is Stan Lee. Yeah, I am a comic book and anime head, it gets me through and it doesn’t hurt anyone, don’t judge me... With all of the being said, that brings me to the subject of Cyclops from the X-Men. Has anyone aside from me noticed that he always has to look at life through rose colored glasses and that his character is completely the opposite of this prognosis? I mean he may be the most pragmatic character that Lee ever created! Just a funny thought that I had.

The second irony is the fact that soccer stars from the United States are more known world wide then they are in their own country. I had a conversation with Sarah Medrano in Puerto Viejo the other day during part of the game, and she said the most interesting thing to me. “All of the good soccer players in the US play for European teams.” Usually it seems that athletes from other countries are trying to get into the US to display their talents, but for soccer in the US it seems to be the opposite. Take the Bulls drafting Seraphim last night, and all of the international players the US has in its professional leagues. Why isn’t Soccer such a big deal in the US?

My third (and hopefully final) irony is all of the matching’s in the prelims of the WC. With the exception of the African nations, I think there were some pretty interesting Colonial matchups, for example, England tied with the US, and Portugal tied with Brazil earlier this morning. Just a thought of how soccer seems to be more of a mirror of how the world is or may be to a certain degree than other things.

Ok, referees... I will say that it was good to see some uniform inconsistency across the board today with the no calls. I have had my times of yelling at the TV when a goal (or two) have been called away due to some oversight, or just, well, I’ll just say oversight. The one thing that really makes me laugh about the refs in this or any WC is the handing out of cards. I don’t know what it is, but it is HILARIOUS to me!!! And the players look around like little kids with dirt on their hands in the school yard when they know they are about to get one. It’s comedy to me! The ref runs right up to the person, reaches in his breast pocket and boom, there’s the shameful yellow or red card for the whole world to see! You can’t even argue the call, you just have to sit there and take it! I’m laughing about it right now just typing it! Then what makes it worse, is that they write something on the back of it, like you are going to get a whooping for it later!! Like, “Oh I’m gonna remember this!!! Minute 76:34!!! Name: Worthy, Jr.” I may be the only one, but I find it pretty darn funny!!!

Lastly, heat… It was so hot here yesterday, I think it gave me diarrhea. It was bad, I mean sweat and the whole nine. Of course I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say that fluids are essential! (In my Ricky Bobby voice)” I would like to thank the makers of PowerAde, and the release of Moutainberry blue, it cools you off on a hot summer day…” I watched Gran Torino this morning, while just chilling in bed. I liked it, I mean it was a racial slur fest, that once again showed the Clint Eastwood is kind of the last of a dying breed of men, but it struck a cord with me. No matter how old people get, one should never lose the ability to find good in others, that, and I want to be that ornery and cantankerous kind of old man to my grandkids!!! Ok, on a serious note, especially coming off of Fathers day, it is important to have a friend, it’s kind of like being here in the Peace Corps. Well, not the violence, or the racial slurs, but the sharing of culture, and the imparting of something that you cherish to someone else who would not have the opportunity otherwise. In turn you become more human, and you continue to learn that the lessons you teach others are also lesson that you learn yourself. I don’t plan on ending my service the way that Clint ended the movie, but I think we all, to some degree, would like to leave somewhat of a sustainable legacy for those who are left in our wake.

I know usually I end my posts with a quote and some music, but I think I will just leave with a story and a question.

My little sister and I both played instruments in the band, me trombone/baritone, and her trumpet. We do have that bond that we share where we can listen to something and just sit back and say wow at its beauty. I think it comes from sitting in a band, or in front of one and just being able to admire the beauty in the sound that you can conduct or create. My little brother has always wanted to do things a little bit different than his siblings, which I think is really cool, even though we do give his share of grief about it. He has taught me something in it though; he can pick out the beauty in some things that I just never thought about, especially in music. One day after a rain storm two summers ago, the sun was just about to fade and it left a beautiful cast of gold and fuchsia on the remaining storm clouds over my mother’s house. I rushed for my camera, but to my dismay my batteries were dead. Frustrated, I stood there just to watch, wishing that I could get it on my memory card. As we finally took seats on the front steps Marx looked over at me and said “You know, some things may just not be meant to catch on film.” How much of life have we spent trying to catch things in a frame? How much time have we spent of trying to catch that perfect moment and not living in it or experiencing it? So with that being said, I was thinking about “No More 3x5’s” by John Mayer and letting everyone know the next entry will be nothing but pictures…(Ironic, eh?)

Going in on Father's day

I find myself listening to a lot of music, sometimes just as background noise, and other times just for some meaning. With tomorrow being Dia de los Padres, I figured I should go in on the subject of fatherhood. Now for those who know me, you all know that this is a loaded subject that can go a whole lot of ways…
I have had to push the backspace button a lot in the past 15 minutes. You ever heard that song by Ed O.G. back in the day “Be a father to your child”? It has that old Roy Ayers saxophone riff in it, real smooth sounding??? It’s stuck in my head right now. Well not really I just changed it to “The Fact Is (I Need You) by Jill Scott. Sorry, usually I have something on my mind all nice and outlined to say, but right now I don’t know what to say about Fathers or the day in celebration. I’m not upset or bitter or any of that, but trying to find words right now is like trying to hold the wind in your hand, so I am going to keep grasping and we’ll just see where this goes, ok?
I have a question, which is up for conversation on the blog, I, of course, will try to take an active role in the conversation as posts come in, but what makes a man a Father? For that matter, what makes a man a man, what gives him the right to wake up in the morning and say, “Yesterday I was a man, and today I will be the same?” One of my favorite Poems is by Rudyard Kipling, and I know a lot of people know this poem (for those who don’t it is posted below) it is entitled IF…
IF you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,But make allowance for their doubting too;If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,Or being hated, don't give way to hating,And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;If you can meet with Triumph and DisasterAnd treat those two impostors just the same;If you can bear to hear the truth you've spokenTwisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,And lose, and start again at your beginningsAnd never breathe a word about your loss;If you can force your heart and nerve and sinewTo serve your turn long after they are gone,And so hold on when there is nothing in youExcept the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,If all men count with you, but none too much;If you can fill the unforgiving minuteWith sixty seconds' worth of distance run,Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
So I finally settled on some songs, “He Say, She Say” by Lupe Fiasco, and after “Lone Soldier” by Black Ice.
I Love my Father and I thank God for the person that he has helped me to become, whether through what he has done, or what he has not done. My brother Nakia has a cousin named Khalid (sorry if it’s spelled wrong) and he once said to me,”Be better than your predecessor”. It is a thought that has stuck with me since it was said to me and I used to strive to be better until I became my predecessor to a certain degree. I realized that while it is important to be better, it is also important to be yourself and realize that whatever your Father may have done is not what you have to do and is not how you are doomed to live your life... I would like to thank God for my Mother and the role she has played in my life. I thank God for all Fathers, those in action and those in names alone, for the Fathers that are no longer with us, and also to all of the women who have to play the role of Father and do the best they can. So HAPPY FATHERS DAY/FELIZ DIA DE LOS PADRES to you and yours!!!
“Life is a one way street and/ If you could paint it/ I’d draw myself going in the right direction”-Cee-Lo, Gnarls Barkley, “Just a Thought”
Have a thought you don’t want to post on the blog? Shoot me an email at billy.worthy@gmail.com or Skype me at billy.worthy.jr.

By the Sweat of my brow

By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food-Genesis 3:19(a)
I know a few of you are looking above like, “Billy, what’s going on down there with you?” Trust me; there is a perfectly reasonable method for this one! Yesterday I went, as I do most Fridays and hung out with a group of kids at the Escuela in Pueblo Nuevo, which is about 15km away, but still part of my community. Usually we will pontificate on the finer things of American culture (lol, I wonder what pontificate would be in Spanish) and play games. This week was a little different; they taught me a couple of things I did not know in the school garden.
That, my friends, is Yucca root. I was able to use a machete for the first time also, even though I don’t own my own as of yet. The teacher Jimmy had me cut the branches near the root of the tree for the sake of planting them in the ground for more Yuccas. Oh yeah, shouts out to Curtis Canady in Peru right now, I know how much he “LOVES” Yucca (LOL)!!! The school cook fried the roots after cleaning them and I got a chance to taste them for lunch. I’ve had Yucca before, but just not any that I pulled out of the ground with my own hands.
Rev. Velma Grant had a question about the food and the people, climate and things of that nature, so I will try my best to answer that. Food, it’s good to me, though I have lost about 20 lbs, I still have my panzone (little belly). I’ve eaten beans and rice or some form of it almost everyday since I have been here. Some of the things that I have been able to impart on others, especially in training have been putting jelly on pancakes, and the health benefits of drinking coffee with natural sugar instead of processed sugar. The only thing I am not a fan of, and this was before I came here, is processed meat, they have it here too, and though my family knows that I do not eat pork (ask Tony Castillo Jr. about that one, lol) I am still wary of meat that does not look like it just came off the bone. The best thing here is the juice or refrescos!!! It’s like most days they just squeeze the fruit right into the cup, it is AMAZING!!! My favorite refrescos so far are Guyabina (think my spelling is off on that one) and Cass, which I will try to link pictures for you to see them, but they are so GOOD!!! Even on days when there is not fresh juice, there is either red or orange drink (yes drink, haven’t had the grape drink yet, will have to inquire later).
The people here for the most part are really cool and super nice. I think you will not find a nation that does not have its problems, but for the most part this is a progressive nation. I won’t sully up this post with the negative, but it will probably come in a later post. There are only two seasons here, rainy and not so rainy as far as I am concerned. Most days are still really hot even after the rain, so it’s quite similar to Georgia in the summer in that regard. I stay in a forest reserve so it is quite humid, but there are fair shares of trees here also.
There are not any paved roads for as far as the eye can see and I am about 15 miles from Rio San Juan, which is a natural boundary for Costa Rica and Nicaragua. Most of the people here are farmers and work on properties called FINCA’s. There are a lot of cows, bulls, chickens, and dogs around here; and on the way into the community there are huge plantations of banana and pineapple that are usually sent to the US by Dole, Chiquita, and Del Monte. I hope that helped in answering your question and thanks for asking!
Currently I am listening to “I Know it’s You” by Donny Hathaway, which is quite possibly one of my most favorite songs! If you are wondering it’s on the Extension of a Man Album. It’s been raining on and off this week, and though it did start off kind of rough, the finish was good (reminds me of a bottle of wine). I find a couple of things to be really important to me while I sometimes have a lot of time on my hands. First, is reading, it helps to pass the time and it keeps my mind sharp. Second is to share things that are dear to others. I try to keep a routine on Saturdays, from 4 (CR time)to as long as I can keep my computer running on battery, to listen to the Hurst selection “From London to Atlanta” on www.wclk.com. Yeah, it’s a plug, but it’s such a good show that I have to share, especially to all of those who Love some good Jazz music. Also, I know that 8 times out of 10 a certain someone is listening at the same time back at home.
Well, the power in the town went out again, so I am going to stop here and we’ll pick up some other time! Until then, “Be at peace, but never be comfortable”-Eric Garvanne…
Ps, the camera that I have is a loaner from the office, so I will try to take as many pics as I can before I have to get it back.
Pics will be coming soon, and i wrote this with pics in it, so please bear with me!!!

This is the Inaugural Post!!!

Ok, Ok, Ok, I have been asked by so many people to do a blog; so… Here it is Motherlovas (crude attempt to stop cursing)!!! I will say that you should probably have low expectations for this due to the fact that I don’t like typing for long periods of time and that I don’t have a camera at my disposal to provide pictures for all of those beautiful words that I am going to use. Also, make sure to read the disclaimer and know that what I say or make up is in no way a reflection of Peace Corps Costa Rica or the United States Government. Ok, a couple of ground rules. I will try my best to answer questions as they come along, but I am not perfect and some days I will not feel like answering mail. That doesn’t mean that I won’t get to it, just give me some time. This blog is about more than just me being in Costa Rica, but just of my experiences, and some thoughts as I grow as an individual. Most subjects probably will not be taboo here, but I will say that you will be hard pressed to get a specific answer about my relationship with my Lady and the Kid.
For those that want to know where I am, I am not allowed to give you the actual address. Just say that I am somewhere in the middle of the Barra Colorado National Forest Reserve, and for all intensive purposes it is the bush. Training is over and I have been in here for almost a month. I am still shocked that we have internet out here because of the lack of other resources that are present. I mean, the bus only runs to town on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and if I miss it either way, especially on Friday, I am pretty much hosed for whatever I had planned for that day. I think that may be my biggest frustration right now, and I may be one of the most isolated volunteers here, which is cool with me; it just gives me the opportunity to really be in touch with my surroundings and really cherish my experience. It just takes some getting used to, that’s all.
I guess I would be remised if I didn’t speak about my trails with the language. I am learning a lot when it comes to the language, just from everyday encounters with people. I think I may have been one of the few people that actually somewhat enjoyed training, and I think it was because I was able to learn so much of the language. I am still not confident most of the time when it comes to talking and there are still a lot of things that I do not understand, but people in my community have been really patient with me and also very understanding. Learning any language outside of your mother tongue can be a challenge, and it has definitely been one for me. I have started reading books in Spanish and underlining words that I don’t know for the sake of building my vocabulary, and I still have my notes from training for the sake of working on my mechanics, but it is really different when one is in a real life conversation and has to speak.
This much I will say about my relationship, it ain’t easy, and definitely not for the faint at heart. I Love Jessica Doward and her daughter Geneva Tillman, and being away from them has been really rough on me. Okay, now with that be said, it has helped our relationship immensely also, because we have to learn to get closer to God, and also to delve inside of ourselves and deal with the base portions of our beings (well it has for me anyway). This is a growing experience on both ends, and (thank God) we are able to communicate a lot more than we used to during training.
I would like to thank DJ K.E.L.W.I.N. for the Isaac Hayes ITunes mix I am listening to while I am writing this. I am huge fan of Isaac Hayes and really sad that he no longer walks among us in the land of the living. If you have any thoughts or suggestions please feel free to write them below, and I will see about getting to them. I don’t have anything really deep to say, or any philosophizing to do, so if you are reading this trying to find something to keep you going in life, you may have reached the wrong blog for the day. Well, that’s about all that I have to say, so until next time…
Problem=Opportunities