Stuff...-Honestly I'm surprised this page still exists

I’ll be honest, I don’t know when I’m coming back. I’m ok with that. There’s a lot that needs to be taken care of, both with me and those close to me. I’m not going to go into any real detail, but I just need a break. I kinda realized that I’ve been going hard on Social media for maybe a year or more. I mean there have been down times, but not a real break away from the rancor.

Ethan and I had a great talk about the strength of being able to adapt, and I think the downfall of that is that you never really unpack. That, and you just learn how to pack lighter each time you move. It’s strange, in the physical you accumulate stuff, right? You buy a chair here, a new shirt there, and over time you have a lot of stuff. That doesn’t make anyone a bad person. There have been certain points in life where I’ve had an accumulation of things, and they’ve been purged, the methods of the purging differ, but it goes back to just realizing there’s an accumulation of stuff and now understanding that I’m not taking things to the next place.

My wife said something to me when we evacuated from Islamorada before Irma to Atlanta last year. She told me that I packed my emotions up, put them in the car with our stuff, and never unpacked (paraphrased, not verbatim.). That still sticks with me. Growing up is a constant, it can’t be avoided. I think the older I’ve become, the more I’ve accumulated mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I think that’s just life, honestly. It moves, it flows, and you have to flow with it and you pick things up along the way that help in that time. Some things you keep, other things you have to learn how to unpack, and still other things need to be discarded in order to move forward. I’m thankful to have some time to unpack and really get to the brass tacks of some things. Not that anyone accept a few actually may need an explanation for this time away (“those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”), but there’s a lot of stuff I can’t take with me.

How easy would it be to just “Thanos Snap” emotions and feelings and the things that you take with you from the places you’ve been?

Hey anxiety, forgot you were there!

Sooooo, I'm learning something sitting here at this salsa night. I've lost something. I'm not sure if it's a love for dancing or what, but I'm filled with anxiety right now to dance in a group of people. It's a total loss of confidence. Like I met my wife by asking her to dance salsa and now I'm having the worst time just getting out there when she's not here. I mean I see people, they're dancing, they're having a good time, the band is going strong, and I'm just here.
What's wrong with me???
Like it doesn't bring me joy anymore, it just goes to show me something I'm not good at. I mean I've enrolled in class, starting soon, but this right here, right now is terrifying.
And I'm upset with myself for feeling this way...

Friday musings

So, I spend a lot of time in my head, as those who know me know. It’s been a while since I’ve just let a little bit of it out on paper. I work hard not to do it because I have seen how powerful my words can be. I have seen how destructive my words can be as well.

As I have leveled up, I have also seen how my words can invoke inspection, usually in myself, but also in those who may be hurt initially by what I say. Folks usually understand that there may be some truth in my words as well. It’s not about me being right or wrong, but just me being a little more comfortable saying things and not fearing the reaction of others. That may be why I keep a lot in my head. I guess I’m like Erykah Badu in that regard because I’m sensitive about my shit, that I don’t like being misunderstood.

I  mean, I get it, I’m 33 now, and I ‘m supposed to be responsible enough to take others feelings into consideration, though, it feels like at times, I’m the only one who does that. Thinking about myself is already difficult and has led to a lot of moments of inactivity while waiting on others to fulfill whatever it is that they are doing. It’s like I’ve been victim to the trophy syndrome with a lot of people to the point where I started to believe it for my life. Honestly, I hate it. Oddly enough, I’m in a point in my life where there are decisions and things that are solely based on the input of others now. I’ve become impatient about a lot of it, I’ve learned.

So, what do you do? I’ve been a person that has based a lot of his happiness on the happiness of others, which has left me empty on a lot of occasions. You learn that you can’t make everyone happy, nor should that be a want. I’ve spent so much time being concerned with what others want that I have, until recently, neglected myself.

Now, I’m not going to make any promises to treat myself better, because me saying it would only give myself the expectation for failure. I won’t make any sweeping resolutions. I just have this knowledge and I have to find a way to break this habit with the knowledge that I have.

Hindsight and Apologies

While in Sunday school for newlyweds the crazy cycle came up. I’ll try to explain.

If the husband does not love the wife, the wife does not respect the husband, which in turn causes him to withhold his love from her, and thus repeats that cycle. Now, you can interchange respect for love in each instance so to get a better picture, but it got me to thinking about the word respect as its meaning has grown and evolved in my own life.

The Merriam Webster online edition gives a simple definition of respect as follows:

respect

noun re·spect \ri-ˈspekt\

Simple Definition of respect

: a feeling of admiring someone or something that is good, valuable, important, etc.: a feeling or understanding that someone or something is important, serious, etc., and should be treated in an appropriate way: a particular way of thinking about or looking at something

You may be wondering why this is important, or why I’m using this as a topic. For those that are wondering what happened to me during the 3 year gap (sounds like something out of an anime or comic book), and the relationships that may have taken place during that time, here’s the long and short for a segment of that time. I was dating someone, and we had been friends for a really long time. Like literally, she was one of my oldest and dearest friends. Things happened and the mutual respect that buoyed our friendship corroded. I am responsible for a lot of it. I still struggle with personal boundaries and just saying no when it comes to significant others. I don’t really say what is bothering me until I am either pressed on all sides to do so, or I’ve passed that tipping point. I voiced a need for the relationship, and it was not respected, but instead of leaving, I chose to stay and continue with the lack of respect. I even joined in on it, and enjoyed it, but it was wearing on me. It wore on me, and I allowed it to. I made the choice to stay in that situation, sometimes I even begged to be in that situation. We loved each other, but in the end, we did not respect each other, and one cannot thrive without being watered by the other.

I was toxic for her, and I am sorry for that. I was petty, I was faultfinding, and was just a bad person to a lot of people that I loved during that time. I apologize for my behavior.

This will be a page for personal catharsis at times. I have burned some bridges and made enemies in my time. I will make more, because, well, life, but I can’t allow my past to keep me from my presence in the present or my future. To those that I have hurt, I am sorry. To those whom I’ve willingly wronged, I apologize. For those that hold on to the me I was then, I understand, because sometimes I do the same thing.

 

4 years eh???

Yeah, I know, it's been a while... A lot has happened, which I'll get into in later posts. I'm learning how to do all of this from my phone role listening to Scenario while at a coffee shop downtown.
Maybe a reintroduction is necessary, my name is Billy Worthy Jr. I'm 33 now and married. A lot has happened, but I'm still here, which is a good thing. I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out, so sorry if some of my posts are filled with the frustration of a wanderer. I'm close though, I swear I am!
So I guess, since I'm back, let me know what you would like for me to discuss. What would you like for me to spend my time doing on this page? I'll probably be a lot more active since I can do this from my phone, so hopefully I'll be able to engage a little more as well.

Take care, peace and blessings!

No Expectations, No Guarantees

I have come to learn a few things over this past year, and the biggest of them are that you can't go into any situation with expectations. I do this way too often, and all too often I fall victim to these expectations. Just like writing this blog, I expect for people to read it and comment on it, and then from there to spark a deep conversation that would hopefully lead to self awareness that may not have been there before.

I kid myself all the time with these things.

Where am I going with this? No idea...

What do I expect out of life? Right now? Less everyday. No action requires an equal but opposite reaction, so why expect for there to be one. I may work my fingers to the bone, but the pay that I may earn may not match the amount of effort put in, and there lies the problem with me.

So how do you change it Billy?

Stop expecting things, we live, we grow old, and we die. That's what to expect, that and taxes, lol, lots of taxes. Just because people (strong emphasis on people) guarantee things doesn't mean that they can fulfill their end of the bargain, or in the case of where I bought my car, want to exactly fulfill their end of the guarantee.

If you are a nice guy, like I was, stop it. You cannot put a relationship or friendship into an equation of money+listening ear+shoulder to cry on=_______________, it doesn't work like that, and it took me getting taken advantage of to see it.

Old habits die hard though, and the expectations have to be slaughtered everyday. Not like clean drugged in your sleep type slaughtered, but literally eviscerated... Or the lessons you learn from your mistakes will be that much worse on your already fragile ego.

So this is my act of Catharsis, for all the world to see. I am not a perfect man, but neither are you. I get upset with myself for thinking I am further ahead than I actually am, because life has a way of showing you that you never really arrive where you think you are, but you always end up where you should be.

We expect attention, that is why we do what we do. That is why we spend countless hours on social media. We are all more accessible than ever before and why do we do it? We expect for someone to see it, to be recognized, to be noticed. People wear black face on Halloween to be noticed, to leave some type of lasting impression with 140 words or less. I too strive for this, I am just as guilty and a hypocrite all the same.

I am ashamed of myself.

The Hard Things to Say

I know it's been forever since last I have written anything, and though I am not really sorry about this, I do apologize. Let's see, Midservice Training, Nicaragua, My birthday, All Volunteer Conference, October 21st (probably the day that started to change everything), Burn, The Aftermath, The Auction, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, Panama, the February of My Discontent, Close of Service Conference and the Adventures in Clinica Biblica (co-starring Nicolas Pedregon and Tony Casillas); that will bring you up to speed.

I understand that there is a lot that has gone on and a lot of explaining to do, I get that, but I really need to focus on the here and now. The question is: how do you tell someone you Love them and you are excited to come back and see them when that person is in the space where you were before you left? Maybe that's an unfair questions to ask, but how do you not let everything that is that space and the reason why you hate that space overshadow the Love that you have for that person? Yes, ideally Love should outweigh whatever negativity comes from that place, but what about being happy in more than just that facet of life? Being here helped me to understand that not only is that possible, but it is so needed.

I used to base my happiness on the happiness of others, what I could do for them, how I could help them, and how my life improved theirs. Arrogant, I know, and it fed into a deadly Hero complex for me. Not saying that I have completely conquered this part of me, but it is part of my base self, and as a part of that, if left unchecked, will injure no one... But myself... And it has done that more than I can imagine, from denying myself the things that made me happy for others comfort, to putting me in situations where I believed I was saving people, but was of no use because I was in the same predicament, if not worse, than they were. It's a complete delusion, and one that makes me question the very core of who I am; as well as what I have allowed myself to become.

Not to say that the people that I Love changes, and that me not encouraging them to do better changes either, but there's always a way to go about doing things (as my Mum would always say). The place where they are is not where I want to be though. Atlanta is a nice place, don't get me wrong, but it is not for me, at least not right now in my life. This may be the reason why I have not allowed myself more than 9 months within her limits since I was 17. The thought of being home gives me stress and drains me, even though the people that I Love live there and I want to see them, but I can't say that I want to be there for long periods of time.

You sacrifice for those you Love though right? Some people have never seen me happy at home, and to be honest, I really can't think of too many times when I have been. I know this post may offend some people and that is fine, but it doesn't change how I feel, and the fact remains that I will be going back to a place that was an unhappy place for me in the past. The things that made me happy or provided me an escape are gone, either destroyed or closed, but the people remain, and it would not be fair to them to not try to enjoy their company and not be in a rush to get out on the next thing that comes. I don't know how long this will hold up or last, but I am willing to try.

I will need space though, and time to readjust, and then to adjust. If we are all sum totals of our past experiences than there is a part of me that should feel this way, and it does, that does not mean that I should not allow for the acknowledgement of change, and learn to understand and even celebrate that change. I would only want the same for myself (though I know for most it may not happen) and to be acknowledged for who I am now and not for who I was before I left. I will try my best to give that same respect to the city that bred me, though for me it is a place of deep rooted anguish and frustration.