Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Hard Things to Say

I know it's been forever since last I have written anything, and though I am not really sorry about this, I do apologize. Let's see, Midservice Training, Nicaragua, My birthday, All Volunteer Conference, October 21st (probably the day that started to change everything), Burn, The Aftermath, The Auction, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, Panama, the February of My Discontent, Close of Service Conference and the Adventures in Clinica Biblica (co-starring Nicolas Pedregon and Tony Casillas); that will bring you up to speed.

I understand that there is a lot that has gone on and a lot of explaining to do, I get that, but I really need to focus on the here and now. The question is: how do you tell someone you Love them and you are excited to come back and see them when that person is in the space where you were before you left? Maybe that's an unfair questions to ask, but how do you not let everything that is that space and the reason why you hate that space overshadow the Love that you have for that person? Yes, ideally Love should outweigh whatever negativity comes from that place, but what about being happy in more than just that facet of life? Being here helped me to understand that not only is that possible, but it is so needed.

I used to base my happiness on the happiness of others, what I could do for them, how I could help them, and how my life improved theirs. Arrogant, I know, and it fed into a deadly Hero complex for me. Not saying that I have completely conquered this part of me, but it is part of my base self, and as a part of that, if left unchecked, will injure no one... But myself... And it has done that more than I can imagine, from denying myself the things that made me happy for others comfort, to putting me in situations where I believed I was saving people, but was of no use because I was in the same predicament, if not worse, than they were. It's a complete delusion, and one that makes me question the very core of who I am; as well as what I have allowed myself to become.

Not to say that the people that I Love changes, and that me not encouraging them to do better changes either, but there's always a way to go about doing things (as my Mum would always say). The place where they are is not where I want to be though. Atlanta is a nice place, don't get me wrong, but it is not for me, at least not right now in my life. This may be the reason why I have not allowed myself more than 9 months within her limits since I was 17. The thought of being home gives me stress and drains me, even though the people that I Love live there and I want to see them, but I can't say that I want to be there for long periods of time.

You sacrifice for those you Love though right? Some people have never seen me happy at home, and to be honest, I really can't think of too many times when I have been. I know this post may offend some people and that is fine, but it doesn't change how I feel, and the fact remains that I will be going back to a place that was an unhappy place for me in the past. The things that made me happy or provided me an escape are gone, either destroyed or closed, but the people remain, and it would not be fair to them to not try to enjoy their company and not be in a rush to get out on the next thing that comes. I don't know how long this will hold up or last, but I am willing to try.

I will need space though, and time to readjust, and then to adjust. If we are all sum totals of our past experiences than there is a part of me that should feel this way, and it does, that does not mean that I should not allow for the acknowledgement of change, and learn to understand and even celebrate that change. I would only want the same for myself (though I know for most it may not happen) and to be acknowledged for who I am now and not for who I was before I left. I will try my best to give that same respect to the city that bred me, though for me it is a place of deep rooted anguish and frustration.